Manowar rocked by controversy

Shock waves were sent through the metal world when fist-pumping pioneers Manowar were revealed as frauds. A video obtained via an anonymous source shows that the so called "Loudest Band in the World" and "Kings of Metal" actually do not play on 10. Digital enhancement shows that the band's amplifiers are set somewhere in the 6.5 region. When reached for comment, founder Joey DeMaio refused to speak with reporters.

But despite the band's silence, the video's contents have already had an effect. The owners of Leo's Loincloth Warehouse have announced that they will no longer sponsor Manowar's tour, and a similar statement is expected from the Wench Emporium. Our source within the band's organization tells us that this has been a long time coming.

"All this talk of metal this and metal that...they're a bunch of liars. You know what they do when they aren't touring? Karl(Logan) is a rave DJ, and Eric(Adams) spends his free time gardening. He sold one of his old bikes to import some rare Asian flower or something."

But as far as the low amplifier settings?

"They've got tiny little noise-blocking earbuds in during every show. Keeping it at 6.5 allows them to listen to their preferred brand of music, which is usually some smooth jazz. Although I think I saw Joey with the new Maroon 5 album."

While our source may have some critical words, the harshest reprimands are coming from the band's fans.

"What happened to 'all men play on ten, never gonna turn down again,' what happened to everything they stood for?!" said a fan that didn't wish to give us his first name, only going by Mr Ong. "These guys were supposed to be the definition of metal and glory, and instead it's Maroon 5 and pruning shears?! To hell with them, I'm converting to a Rhapsody fan(in reference to the puffy shirt he's wearing, it seems)."

This is only a fraction of what we heard, but most comments are unsuitable for publishing in a family publication such as this. We'll bring you more updates to the story as we get them.