Every Guy's Got One

2. mancrush

The highest tier of a man's love for another man, without having any sexual want towards the man.

I have a mancrush on Ryan Dunn for being the man.



To many, the mancrush is a strange thing. Some don't understand exactly what it entails, whether it's attraction, respect, admiration, or something else. This NFL season, I've realized that my mancrush is one Randy Moss, newly acquired wide receiver for the New England Patriots. Basically, if Randy was royalty, I would gladly pledge my allegience to him. There isn't a shadow of a fucking doubt in my mind that he is simply the best receiver in football, period. There is no contest, there is no question. One look at his wikipedia page will show you the various records he holds. And yesterday, during a brutal faceraping of the Dolphins in which the Pats were leading 42-7 at halftime, he had caught two touchdown passes, including one with his fucking elbow. Every game, every week, I see Tom Brady throw a ball up, and Randy is double covered. And the ball comes down, and I curse, because it looks as if one or both defenders got a hand and either broke it up or intercepted it. But then Randy stands up, football in hand, making it look like the easiest fucking thing.

In the entire Belichick era, there has never been a team like this. It's always been defense first, and then Tom Brady just finds a way to get points on the board. During the Superbowl years of 03 and 04, the team went 14-2, but they were all hard fought games, many won on the final drives. But this is something completely different. There's never been a team under him that's been such an offensive juggernaut, and Tom Brady's sure as fuck never had a weapon like Randy Moss. 3rd and 18? No problem, just heave it towards the endzone. Oh look, Randy caught the ball over two defenders. With one hand. While sleeping. And he'll always have the presence to know how close he is to going out of bounds, and that he'll have to drag his feet. And it doesn't hurt to have Tom Brady throwing it, who somehow manages to put the ball right out of the defender's range, but exactly where Randy can pull it in. Whether it's from the side, the top, underneath, wherever. And I'm not trying to be one of those gloating New England fans, because I know how they are. I'm honestly just amazed at the way this season has progressed thus far. I'm not going to get ahead of myself and make bold predictions or statements. One week at a game, one game at a time. But what we've seen so far has been nothing short of magnificent.

The bane that is television

Tv is garbage. I mean, it has been for a long time, it's not news to anyone. The thing that strikes me as weird is that networks don't even try to disguise the crap they put out, they're flat out telling you "This is nothing new, it'll be canceled within two years", but people still lap it up without question.


Comedy
This is probably the genre that needs a reworking more than any other. Comedy has been stale for years and years, and that's because the networks don't actually know what's funny(Or maybe their plan is to appeal to those without a sense of humor...genius). Comedy has been recycled more times than anything. The formula for 95% of all comedies has been:

straight(not in orientation, but referring to a normal, run of the mill person) character + zany risk taker + hijinks + love story tacked on at the end.

Or typical male husband(beer, sports, farts) + wife that claims to be sick of his crap + way more fights than you'd usually see + guy's single friend that tells him not to sell out to the woman + a nice resolution at the end along with a PSA-level message.

And this is how it's been. They make different shows, swap out the lead roles, but it's all the same. Mad About You, Dharma and Greg, Home Improvement, Everybody Loves Raymond, Still Standing, King of Queens, According to Jim, etc. And I haven't even watched half of those. But if you get a show with a different take, such at Titus, it's basically given a cyanide pill to take from the get-go, because a time will come when it's inexplicably yanked off the air. Titus gave a big fuck you to the traditional storylines opting for much much darker and riskier humor(sexual abuse, drugs, alcoholism, adultery, schizophrenia, etc). And despite having high ratings for a show with such subject matter, it was canceled(one of many good shows tossed to the side by Fox)

But hell, the setups are not the main reason to dislike this. The reason people stick with these formulas is because it is possible to make them funny. Unfortunately, the vast majority of those shows have fucking horrible, horrible writing and predictable punchlines. They'll get into the same scenarios, and then have the same ending. And then there's the laugh track. I personally don't care for the laugh track, and I think having one is foolish, because it basically says to the viewer "I know you're an idiot, so I'm gonna put this here so you know when to laugh, and which line to quote at work for the rest of the week." Well-written shows don't need laugh tracks, the jokes will be strong enough to carry themselves. The only shows with laugh tracks that I thought were geuinely incredibly funny overall, not because of one or two lines, were Seinfeld and Titus. Nothing else ever got to me, they were filled with the cheesiest lines and the most unoriginal plots I'd ever seen. And unfortunately this is most of what's on tv now.

Suggested Viewing: Arrested Development, The Office, Titus, Scrubs, Seinfeld, South Park(not a comedy per se, but one of the funniest shows on tv, as well as probably the best-written)

Drama
Another one that's been driven so far into the ground it could be considered an invasion of China. Dramas are completely built on copycats, and people still watch, and even worse, they're among the most-watched shows on tv.

Law Shows:
Boston Legal
The Practice
Law & Order
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Law & Order: Criminal Intent
Law & Order: Crime & Punishment
Law & Order: Trial by Jury
Crossing Jordan
The Lion's Den
Shark

Now, I know that there are alot of laws in this country just waiting to be broken. But I don't think I could find anyone that could look me in the eye and tell me that they believe all of those shows do enough to separate from each other and are all worthy of existence. Law & Order especially, which is the most blatant offender. "What, we have a hit show? Well let's just make another one with a different cast."

And then you have the WB dramas. Not all found on the WB, but they might as well be. Shit like 7th Heaven or One Tree Hill, either about families just living day to day, or certain people growing up and learning lessons about life, blah blah. It started with Dawson's Creek, and that show gave us Katie Holmes. Now, while I wouldn't have hesitated to bone her, her existence and exposure will be our undoing. Because of that show, she became famous, caught the eye of Tom Cruise, and has now helped him extend his psychotic thetan-sucking bloodline. So you see people, if you watch crappy dramas, you're supporting Scientology.

And while I could have put it up above, I reserve a special level of hell for CSI and it's two spinoffs, following in the cashcow path blazed by Law and Order. CSI has somehow become the most watched show on television, and while I've never watched an episode, I'm pretty sure I could guess how it turns out.

Dead body found + two suspects initially that keep pointing to the other + not enough evidence found to arrest anyone + dramatic confrontation demanding a confession + oops, we found a fingerprint, I totally didn't see that right in front of me before + the killer is arrested and put away, happy ending

Except in the spinoffs the ending would usually take place on a Miami beach or in a New York alley. I gotta tell you, I can't get sick of watching the same thing happen week in and week out on three different shows. And hey, wouldn't it be funny if during the season the team from one show had to join forces with the team from another show? It'd be so cool, like watching two shows at once!"

You want unique shows? 24, A unique concept that had its first weak season in the 6th year. Lost, a drama unlike any other with more layers than a foot-tall club sandwich. Dexter, a unique take on the crime scene genre, where Dexter Morgan, a blood splatter analyst, also happens to be a serial killer, and must balance his two sides while trying to...no, not gonna give anything away(Based on the books by Jeff Lindsay, worth a read). The Shield, easily the best cop show on television, past and present company included.
Heroes is apparently very good as well, but I haven't had a chance to watch it yet. It's on my agenda.

Reality Shows
The bane of my television viewing existence. I'm not going to rant about why reality shows suck, everyone already knows that they suck. My issue with them is that every single channel is abandoning their established lineups and shows to jump on the reality cashcow. Titus, which I spoke of earlier? Was canceled and replaced by Skating with Celebrities. MTV, as terrible as they've been lately, actually used to live up to the M in their name many many years ago. Nowadays, seeing a video on MTV is rarer than the President correctly pronouncing a word with 5 4 3 2.5 syllables. ESPN's gotten into it, Spike got into it, of course the major networks. Of course the one that stings the most is The Discovery Channel. As I lamented a few months ago, I was watching Shark Week not only because sharks are fucking awesome, but because it was the only time that we wouldn't be inundated with crappy reality shows from a once amazing and educational channel. Proof of what they are now? I went into the guide and this is their schedule for the rest of the day:

How It's Made
Unsolved History
A Haunting
Dirty Jobs
Mythbusters
Cash Cab
Cash Cab
How It's Made
How It's Made
Mythbusters
Mythbusters
Mythbusters
Last One Standing
Mythbusters
Mythbusters

The first thing I found in the listing for a nature/animal show wasn't until 10pm tomorrow night, Giant Squid: Caught on Camera. Oh, and it was sandwiched in between 5 episodes of Dirty Jobs. As to why reality shows appeal, I don't know to be honest. Wow, 7 people living together in a house, I wonder how they're gonna react to each other! Wait, I live in a house with 7 people! I don't need to watch that clearly fake and edited show, I've got this crazy thing called real life!

The Idiot Box, indeed.

Thoughts on last night's game, and on the Cowboys

This game. This fucking game hurt to watch. I've made no secret of my complete and utter disdain for the Dallas Cowboys. From the Tony Romo/John Madden/Peter King circle jerk, to TO's retarded antics, there is nothing about this team that's worth a damn. The Cowboys are who we thought they were! Now if you wanna crown em, then go ahead and crown their asses! They haven't played a single fucking quality opponent, and just because they appeared to be the best team in the NFC, people think that puts them up there with the elite teams. No jackass, the NFC is like Pop Warner compared to the AFC. I guarantee Pittsburgh or San Diego could easily beat them. There is no way on Earth your team can be considered a contender when your top receiver(who some would attempt to argue is one of the best in the league) drops that many fucking balls in one game. And then not even any passes, but crucial, cruical ones. Had the Cowboys lost tonight, next to Tony Romo, TO would easily be in second for the largerst share of the blame. For those that didn't watch tonight, this was the gist of it. Buffalo was leading the entire game. The entire, fucking game. They scored on interceptions returns, they scored on a kickoff return. They intercepted Romo 5 times, and forced another fumble. But Dick Jauron kept too tight a leash on Trent Edwards. Except for one pick, he put in a solid effort statistically, going 23/31. But he only threw for 176 yards. That's 7.7 yards per pass completion. If you're not gonna let your QB attempt to make some plays and try to win this game, then it's not gonna happen. The reason the Bills din't put up any offensive touchdowns was because they either ran it with Marshawn Lynch, threw screens, or tossed short passes for small gains. Despite throwing 5 fucking interceptions, Wade Phillips was still letting Romo throw the ball downfield. And in the end, that was what got them into field goal range to kick the game winner. Buffalo had this game. They had it wrapped up, and they gave it away, and it was disgusting. And instead of looking at this as proof that Dallas isn't the juggernaut that everyone thought, the media is only going to mark this as another chapter in the lore of Tony Romo. "This team is so good, they can throw five picks, then come back and win it!". No. Good teams don't throw five picks and then come back, good teams minimize mistakes and take leads. Good teams don't have their star receiver drop a two point conversion, and then a crucial pass trying to get into field goal range. Good teams won't keep the opposition from scoring any offensive touchdowns, but still find themselves losing with seconds to go.