Shock waves were sent through the metal world when fist-pumping pioneers Manowar were revealed as frauds. A video obtained via an anonymous source shows that the so called "Loudest Band in the World" and "Kings of Metal" actually do not play on 10. Digital enhancement shows that the band's amplifiers are set somewhere in the 6.5 region. When reached for comment, founder Joey DeMaio refused to speak with reporters.
But despite the band's silence, the video's contents have already had an effect. The owners of Leo's Loincloth Warehouse have announced that they will no longer sponsor Manowar's tour, and a similar statement is expected from the Wench Emporium. Our source within the band's organization tells us that this has been a long time coming.
"All this talk of metal this and metal that...they're a bunch of liars. You know what they do when they aren't touring? Karl(Logan) is a rave DJ, and Eric(Adams) spends his free time gardening. He sold one of his old bikes to import some rare Asian flower or something."
But as far as the low amplifier settings?
"They've got tiny little noise-blocking earbuds in during every show. Keeping it at 6.5 allows them to listen to their preferred brand of music, which is usually some smooth jazz. Although I think I saw Joey with the new Maroon 5 album."
While our source may have some critical words, the harshest reprimands are coming from the band's fans.
"What happened to 'all men play on ten, never gonna turn down again,' what happened to everything they stood for?!" said a fan that didn't wish to give us his first name, only going by Mr Ong. "These guys were supposed to be the definition of metal and glory, and instead it's Maroon 5 and pruning shears?! To hell with them, I'm converting to a Rhapsody fan(in reference to the puffy shirt he's wearing, it seems)."
This is only a fraction of what we heard, but most comments are unsuitable for publishing in a family publication such as this. We'll bring you more updates to the story as we get them.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Pats at Colts: 2nd half
Halftime thoughts:
-Joseph Addai has almost 200 all-purpose yards
-Peyton Manning hasn't been sacked, he's barely even been touched
-The Pats offensive line hasn't been looking as dominant as they had earlier in the season
-Laurence Maroney was having success on the ground, but his number hasn't been called very much. 48 yards on just 9 carries
-Did I mention that the key is stopping Addai?
-We need to throw some exotic blitzes at Peyton, break up his rhythm. Once he gets into a groove, the guy is dangerous as all hell.
-By no means has either team looked unstoppable, or terrible. It's been all about good series and bad series.
-And the 2nd half is underway
5:57 - Fuck it, shotgun, open up the passing game. Spread em wide.
5:58 - Decent punt though, pinned em inside the 15.
6:01 - Rodney makes a pick!
6:04 - HOW IS THAT NOT PASS INTERFERENCE ON KEVIN FAULK?!
6:07 - Getting slightly calmer now. Slightly. But the amount of bullshit calls and noncalls against the Pats is ridiculous.
6:08 - That was a good stop on Addai, the defense is getting pissed off. And twice in a row now, this time for a 9 yard loss.
6:11 - I'm just going to refrain from commenting on the penalties, only acknowledging their supposed existence.
6:13 - Absolutely sick one-hander by Randy Moss.
6:17 - Brady's got some speed, picks up the first, and for once, the penalty isn't against New England. Shocking.
6:21 - And this drive ends in a field goal after a 3d down stop by Bob Sanders, who could apparently cure cancer the way the announcers gush about him. Colts 13-10.
6:28 - That was close as fucking shit. Huuuge gain dropped by Reggie Wayne, and that brings up 4th down for the Colts. And a great punt return by Wes Welker.
6:32 - This drive is key, we need to score and take the lead back.
6:34 - Goddamn you Gary Brackett. Interception. Oh wait, and a penalty on the Pats. Of course, it's the standard right now.
6:37 - And there goes Dallas Clark, being fucking open.
6:39 - And now it's first and goal for the Colts.
6:41 - Manning on the keeper from 1 yard out, 20-10 Colts.
6:46 - And another very uncharacteristic Randy Moss drop. The team's gotta get a rhythm going, asap. And that pass was a good start.
6:47 and another fucking drop, Jesus. Moss was basically infallible te entire season, catching anything near him.
6:49 - That's the trifecta right there. Deep pass to Moss in the redzone. Colts penalty. Sanders hurt.
6:53 - Moss called for pass interference(I'm not getting into it, but you can guess what I think about it), but a pass to Welker gets em to 3rd and goal at the 3.
6:56 - And Wes Welker is baaaarely able to squeeze past the pylon into the endzone. Colts lead cut to 3, 20-17
7:00 - We need a 3 and out no-fuck. Rodney Harrison seems to be limping slightly. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
7:02 - Hold on the Colts, and it's now 2nd and 18. Under 6 minutes to go.
7:03 - 3rd and 10.
7:04 - False start, 3rd and 15.
7:05 - 4th down, Welker returns the punt a yard shy of midfield. 3:58 to go.
7:07 - Sick sick catch by Stallworth, and the Pats are already in field goal range, inside the 20.
7:08 - TD Kevin Faulk, and the Pats are gonna lead by four after the extra point, 24-20, with 3:15 left on the clock. My god this is a tense game.
7:10 - Colts have two timeouts left, 3:10 to go, the ball is at the 24. And it's up to the defense.
7:11 - Incomplete pass, 2nd and 10.
7:12 - First down for the Colts, Wayne pushed out of bounds shy of midfield, 1st and 10.
7:13 - Addai stopped after a gain of 1, 2nd and 9.
7:13 - Incomplete pass, 3rd and 9.
7:14 - Pressure on Peyton Manning, the ball falls right into Roosevelt Colvin's hand, Pats get it back, 5 yard penalty, 1st and 10, 2:25 to go at the 46
7:17 - Colts take their final timeout before the two minute warning strikes, it's gonna be 3rd down for the Pats, 3rd and 6.
7:19 - Two minute warning, Pats have the first down, and they can just kneel the ball away now.
7:22 - Clock runs out, game's over, New England Patriots advance to 9-0 and get a well-earned bye week. Goddamn that was a good game.
-Joseph Addai has almost 200 all-purpose yards
-Peyton Manning hasn't been sacked, he's barely even been touched
-The Pats offensive line hasn't been looking as dominant as they had earlier in the season
-Laurence Maroney was having success on the ground, but his number hasn't been called very much. 48 yards on just 9 carries
-Did I mention that the key is stopping Addai?
-We need to throw some exotic blitzes at Peyton, break up his rhythm. Once he gets into a groove, the guy is dangerous as all hell.
-By no means has either team looked unstoppable, or terrible. It's been all about good series and bad series.
-And the 2nd half is underway
5:57 - Fuck it, shotgun, open up the passing game. Spread em wide.
5:58 - Decent punt though, pinned em inside the 15.
6:01 - Rodney makes a pick!
6:04 - HOW IS THAT NOT PASS INTERFERENCE ON KEVIN FAULK?!
6:07 - Getting slightly calmer now. Slightly. But the amount of bullshit calls and noncalls against the Pats is ridiculous.
6:08 - That was a good stop on Addai, the defense is getting pissed off. And twice in a row now, this time for a 9 yard loss.
6:11 - I'm just going to refrain from commenting on the penalties, only acknowledging their supposed existence.
6:13 - Absolutely sick one-hander by Randy Moss.
6:17 - Brady's got some speed, picks up the first, and for once, the penalty isn't against New England. Shocking.
6:21 - And this drive ends in a field goal after a 3d down stop by Bob Sanders, who could apparently cure cancer the way the announcers gush about him. Colts 13-10.
6:28 - That was close as fucking shit. Huuuge gain dropped by Reggie Wayne, and that brings up 4th down for the Colts. And a great punt return by Wes Welker.
6:32 - This drive is key, we need to score and take the lead back.
6:34 - Goddamn you Gary Brackett. Interception. Oh wait, and a penalty on the Pats. Of course, it's the standard right now.
6:37 - And there goes Dallas Clark, being fucking open.
6:39 - And now it's first and goal for the Colts.
6:41 - Manning on the keeper from 1 yard out, 20-10 Colts.
6:46 - And another very uncharacteristic Randy Moss drop. The team's gotta get a rhythm going, asap. And that pass was a good start.
6:47 and another fucking drop, Jesus. Moss was basically infallible te entire season, catching anything near him.
6:49 - That's the trifecta right there. Deep pass to Moss in the redzone. Colts penalty. Sanders hurt.
6:53 - Moss called for pass interference(I'm not getting into it, but you can guess what I think about it), but a pass to Welker gets em to 3rd and goal at the 3.
6:56 - And Wes Welker is baaaarely able to squeeze past the pylon into the endzone. Colts lead cut to 3, 20-17
7:00 - We need a 3 and out no-fuck. Rodney Harrison seems to be limping slightly. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
7:02 - Hold on the Colts, and it's now 2nd and 18. Under 6 minutes to go.
7:03 - 3rd and 10.
7:04 - False start, 3rd and 15.
7:05 - 4th down, Welker returns the punt a yard shy of midfield. 3:58 to go.
7:07 - Sick sick catch by Stallworth, and the Pats are already in field goal range, inside the 20.
7:08 - TD Kevin Faulk, and the Pats are gonna lead by four after the extra point, 24-20, with 3:15 left on the clock. My god this is a tense game.
7:10 - Colts have two timeouts left, 3:10 to go, the ball is at the 24. And it's up to the defense.
7:11 - Incomplete pass, 2nd and 10.
7:12 - First down for the Colts, Wayne pushed out of bounds shy of midfield, 1st and 10.
7:13 - Addai stopped after a gain of 1, 2nd and 9.
7:13 - Incomplete pass, 3rd and 9.
7:14 - Pressure on Peyton Manning, the ball falls right into Roosevelt Colvin's hand, Pats get it back, 5 yard penalty, 1st and 10, 2:25 to go at the 46
7:17 - Colts take their final timeout before the two minute warning strikes, it's gonna be 3rd down for the Pats, 3rd and 6.
7:19 - Two minute warning, Pats have the first down, and they can just kneel the ball away now.
7:22 - Clock runs out, game's over, New England Patriots advance to 9-0 and get a well-earned bye week. Goddamn that was a good game.
Pats at Colts: 1st half
4:11 - The game hasn't started yet, the Vikes-Chargers game is on. And Adrian Peterson has been KILLING them. The guy's got 258 rushing yards, and this is with him splitting carries with Chester Taylor.
4:15 - I hate that kickoff times are nothing but lies. When the clock strikes 4:15, I don't wanna stare Phil Simms in the face. I wanna see some fuckin football. Let's do this. Marvin Harrison and Tony Ugoh are out for the Colts. Eugene Wilson is out for the Pats.
4:19 - And the Colts offense will take the field first. The guys to stop, Dallas Clark and Joseph Addai.
4:22 - Come on fourth down....Damnit.
4:23 - That's nice to see, Richard Seymour chasing down and keeping with Joseph Addai.
4:25 - My ass he got his feet down. But to this point, we haven't gotten an ounce of pressure on Peyton Manning. He's had all day, and his passes have been spot-on.
4:28 - Damnit. The big weakness is the run game, and Addai's just making it look easy. So unless there's a turnover, they're at least gonna get 3 points out of this drive. Fuckin ell.
4:31 - Fuckin Dallas Clark, that was too close for comfort. Come on defense, hold em to 3.
4:33 - I love when announcers just drive a point home over and over, like "Vinatieri's never, ever missed a kick inside the RCA Dome"...and then he misses.
4:36 - It's the pass rush I was worried about most from the Colts, and how the fuck does Nick Kaczur not even try to block? "Oh, let me step aside for you". And shit, nothing against Kevin Faulk, but why is he starting instead of Maroney?
4:37 - Ok, I'm going to blame Jim Nantz for repeatedly stating that the Pats have scored on every first drive for that 3 and out. Jim Nantz and Nick Kaczur. Fuckin hell.
4:42 - Announcers suck part 1: "He's got this wiggle and this hip hop move"
4:43 - Goddamnit Asante. You'd been playing so well. And then you go and commit fucking pass interference against the Colts of all teams, and give them first and goal.
4:44 - How do you have a play like that, with a possible turnover, and not show one single fucking replay?
4:45 - Ok, Asante kinda redeemed himself there. And look at that, the second the play was over, and Gonzalez dropped the ball, how many replays were there?
4:47 - Oh, thank you for the replay after the drive was over. It was definitely appreciated. 3-0 Colts.
4:52 - Randy Moss has entered the building.
4:54 - Very very happy to see Ben Watson in there, as well as Laurence Maroney getting big chunks of yards against this defense.
4:58 - Seriously, where's the offensive line I saw in the first 8 games? An extra second or two would do it, that's all. The Colts D-line isn't so good that you should just completely collapse and go into the fetal position.
5:01 - 3rd and goal, come on, come on...punch that shit in....Randy Moss. Man-crush. Confirmed. Patriots 7-3.
5:08 - 3 penalties for 47 yards...yea, that's not good.
5:10 - STOP JOSEPH ADDAI. CAN SOMEONE COVER HIM? He's already got over 100 all-purpose yards
5:12 - BULLSHIT. MY FUCKING ASS THAT WAS PASS INTERFERENCE.
5:15 - At least we kept em out of the endzone. It's back to the classic "bend but don't break" defense. Pats 7-6.
5:22 - A very rare Randy Moss drop.
5:26 - This game's been more of a defensive struggle than I expected it to be. But I expect the second half to feature more scoring as both teams try to build up a large enough cushion to seal the deal.
5:30 - 2 minute warning. Bill is going to ream them at halftime for all these penalties. 102 yards so far, in one half.
5:34 - And Tom Brady throws his first interception in forever, with a long bomb to Donte Stallworth.
5:39 - TACKLE TACKLE TACKLE. HONESTLY, WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT WAS THAT.
5:42 - First half over, Colts lead 13-7.
Bonus commentary on that touchdown:
BlkMetalDeviant: dgfr
BlkMetalDeviant: xeth
BlkMetalDeviant: erhjt
BlkMetalDeviant: crth
BlkMetalDeviant: BITCHES
GrimNecroWizard: WHAT
BlkMetalDeviant: YOU CALL THAT MOTHERFUCKING TACKLING
GrimNecroWizard: WHAT
GrimNecroWizard: FUCKING WHAT
GrimNecroWizard: OH SHIT
BlkMetalDeviant: WHAT THE JESUIS WAS THAT
GrimNecroWizard: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
BlkMetalDeviant: DID YOU ALL JUST STEP ASIDE
Aiden Macleod: XD
BlkMetalDeviant: WAS HE SOME OLD WOMAN
GrimNecroWizard: FUCKING OWWWWWWWWWWWNED
Aiden Macleod: This is amazing
BlkMetalDeviant: WERE YOU GIVING UP YOUR SEAT ON THE BUS
BlkMetalDeviant: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
crispy927: 13 seconds left int he fucking half
BlkMetalDeviant: YOU WANNA HAND HIM SOME WATER WHILE HE SPRINTS TO THE MARATHON FINISH
crispy927: lmao
Aiden Macleod: "Hey look, hes about to stop that receiver from making to the endzone by jumping at him! Quick, throw the flag! THROW IT!!"
crispy927: so who wants to start the betting on how high OD's Blood pressure is right now
Yea, you can guess which one is me.
4:15 - I hate that kickoff times are nothing but lies. When the clock strikes 4:15, I don't wanna stare Phil Simms in the face. I wanna see some fuckin football. Let's do this. Marvin Harrison and Tony Ugoh are out for the Colts. Eugene Wilson is out for the Pats.
4:19 - And the Colts offense will take the field first. The guys to stop, Dallas Clark and Joseph Addai.
4:22 - Come on fourth down....Damnit.
4:23 - That's nice to see, Richard Seymour chasing down and keeping with Joseph Addai.
4:25 - My ass he got his feet down. But to this point, we haven't gotten an ounce of pressure on Peyton Manning. He's had all day, and his passes have been spot-on.
4:28 - Damnit. The big weakness is the run game, and Addai's just making it look easy. So unless there's a turnover, they're at least gonna get 3 points out of this drive. Fuckin ell.
4:31 - Fuckin Dallas Clark, that was too close for comfort. Come on defense, hold em to 3.
4:33 - I love when announcers just drive a point home over and over, like "Vinatieri's never, ever missed a kick inside the RCA Dome"...and then he misses.
4:36 - It's the pass rush I was worried about most from the Colts, and how the fuck does Nick Kaczur not even try to block? "Oh, let me step aside for you". And shit, nothing against Kevin Faulk, but why is he starting instead of Maroney?
4:37 - Ok, I'm going to blame Jim Nantz for repeatedly stating that the Pats have scored on every first drive for that 3 and out. Jim Nantz and Nick Kaczur. Fuckin hell.
4:42 - Announcers suck part 1: "He's got this wiggle and this hip hop move"
4:43 - Goddamnit Asante. You'd been playing so well. And then you go and commit fucking pass interference against the Colts of all teams, and give them first and goal.
4:44 - How do you have a play like that, with a possible turnover, and not show one single fucking replay?
4:45 - Ok, Asante kinda redeemed himself there. And look at that, the second the play was over, and Gonzalez dropped the ball, how many replays were there?
4:47 - Oh, thank you for the replay after the drive was over. It was definitely appreciated. 3-0 Colts.
4:52 - Randy Moss has entered the building.
4:54 - Very very happy to see Ben Watson in there, as well as Laurence Maroney getting big chunks of yards against this defense.
4:58 - Seriously, where's the offensive line I saw in the first 8 games? An extra second or two would do it, that's all. The Colts D-line isn't so good that you should just completely collapse and go into the fetal position.
5:01 - 3rd and goal, come on, come on...punch that shit in....Randy Moss. Man-crush. Confirmed. Patriots 7-3.
5:08 - 3 penalties for 47 yards...yea, that's not good.
5:10 - STOP JOSEPH ADDAI. CAN SOMEONE COVER HIM? He's already got over 100 all-purpose yards
5:12 - BULLSHIT. MY FUCKING ASS THAT WAS PASS INTERFERENCE.
5:15 - At least we kept em out of the endzone. It's back to the classic "bend but don't break" defense. Pats 7-6.
5:22 - A very rare Randy Moss drop.
5:26 - This game's been more of a defensive struggle than I expected it to be. But I expect the second half to feature more scoring as both teams try to build up a large enough cushion to seal the deal.
5:30 - 2 minute warning. Bill is going to ream them at halftime for all these penalties. 102 yards so far, in one half.
5:34 - And Tom Brady throws his first interception in forever, with a long bomb to Donte Stallworth.
5:39 - TACKLE TACKLE TACKLE. HONESTLY, WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT WAS THAT.
5:42 - First half over, Colts lead 13-7.
Bonus commentary on that touchdown:
BlkMetalDeviant: dgfr
BlkMetalDeviant: xeth
BlkMetalDeviant: erhjt
BlkMetalDeviant: crth
BlkMetalDeviant: BITCHES
GrimNecroWizard: WHAT
BlkMetalDeviant: YOU CALL THAT MOTHERFUCKING TACKLING
GrimNecroWizard: WHAT
GrimNecroWizard: FUCKING WHAT
GrimNecroWizard: OH SHIT
BlkMetalDeviant: WHAT THE JESUIS WAS THAT
GrimNecroWizard: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
BlkMetalDeviant: DID YOU ALL JUST STEP ASIDE
Aiden Macleod: XD
BlkMetalDeviant: WAS HE SOME OLD WOMAN
GrimNecroWizard: FUCKING OWWWWWWWWWWWNED
Aiden Macleod: This is amazing
BlkMetalDeviant: WERE YOU GIVING UP YOUR SEAT ON THE BUS
BlkMetalDeviant: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
crispy927: 13 seconds left int he fucking half
BlkMetalDeviant: YOU WANNA HAND HIM SOME WATER WHILE HE SPRINTS TO THE MARATHON FINISH
crispy927: lmao
Aiden Macleod: "Hey look, hes about to stop that receiver from making to the endzone by jumping at him! Quick, throw the flag! THROW IT!!"
crispy927: so who wants to start the betting on how high OD's Blood pressure is right now
Yea, you can guess which one is me.
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