Now, onto Mercury Morris. For those that don't know, Mercury Morris was the running back for the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only team to ever have a perfect season(and they're now on their way to being the first team to go 0-16, which I called in the first month of the season), going 17-0(There were only 14 regular season games back then) and winning the Superbowl. Since then, the regular season has been expanded to sixteen games, and the legend goes that when the last undefeated team loses a game, the members of the 72 Fins pop the cork on a bottle of champagne to celebrate the fact that they are the only ones atop the tower. I, among many others, questioned how true this was, that a bunch of old men could be so bitter and petty, but that was before Mercury Morris.
In the 2005 season, the loathesome Indianapolis Colts were reeling off wins like it was no one's business, eventually making it to 13-0. I recall watching ESPN's Cold Pizza(now known as First Take), and whenever a team goes undefeated for so long, they usually like to interview a member of the 72 Dolphins team, because clearly a guy that played 30 years ago would have relative insight into this. For some reason they chose one Mercury Morris, a man that was so belligerent and crude they actually cut the satellite feed mid-interview, and awkwardly went to commercial. Then the Colts lost, and he wasn't heard from again, due to no team taking the undefeated streak that far last season.
Enter 07. This time, it's New England with the goose egg in the loss column, and while you'd think they learned their lesson, ESPN has once again decided to bring back the only person I've ever known to be truly worthy of the word "curmudgeon", Mercury Morris. And what has he done? Look for yourself:
You have to realize, that this year, no team has been more vilified or hated than the New England Patriots. And I've read on multiple sites that the complete, overflowing assholery of this man has made them want New England to run the table, in the hopes that Morris either shuts up or returns to his fledgling cocaine business from the 80s and takes one line too many. I mean, for all the accusations of cheating and beating weak opponents the Patriots have taken, this is a Dolphins team with the lowest strength of schedule(the winning percentage of their opponents) of any Superbowl winner, and oh yeah, they cheated and broke an NFL rule when they signed head coach Don Shula(Not curmudgeon-level yet, but certainly cantankerous) away from another team, while he was still under contract. Yet do you see anyone clamoring for an asterisk on their undefeated season? No, they're to be revered, and constantly fellated by every sports journalist and publication. And to their credit, no other member of the team has reached the depths of douchebaggery inhabited by Mercury, so it seems he's alone in his senility. But I can say that it truly saddens me that he wasn't born two years earlier, so he might've somehow found his way into a gas chamber.
Now, I haven't commented on the big picture yet, and I won't, because I view it week to week, and right now, the team we will have to play at our absolute best to beat is the Pittsburgh Steelers. They do everything that the Ravens and Eagles did the past two weeks, but they do it much better, and with the NFL's #1 defense. Previously, when the top defense and offense met, I'd always side with the defense. This time, I'm hoping I'm wrong. As I stated earlier in the season, the one weakness this team has is the run defense. The loss of Roosevelt Colvin only makes it worse. The reason is wasn't evident was because we'd jump out to such huge leads early in the game, that teams would have to pass against us, and couldn't afford to run. But now that we're playing close games, or trailing until the final 44 seconds of the game(heart attack in Baltimore, Jesus fucking christ), it's being exposed. The Eagles ran on us, The Ravens ran like fuck on us, even the Dolphins in a massive losing effort put up 200 on the ground. And now we face Pittsburgh, a team with the second leading rusher in the NFL(Behind Purple Jesus), and the league's top rated defense, which is known for their zone blitzing. I'm not saying it's impossible, because I always believe that this team will win. But we will have to play absolutely perfect football. Perfect.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Manowar rocked by controversy
Shock waves were sent through the metal world when fist-pumping pioneers Manowar were revealed as frauds. A video obtained via an anonymous source shows that the so called "Loudest Band in the World" and "Kings of Metal" actually do not play on 10. Digital enhancement shows that the band's amplifiers are set somewhere in the 6.5 region. When reached for comment, founder Joey DeMaio refused to speak with reporters.
But despite the band's silence, the video's contents have already had an effect. The owners of Leo's Loincloth Warehouse have announced that they will no longer sponsor Manowar's tour, and a similar statement is expected from the Wench Emporium. Our source within the band's organization tells us that this has been a long time coming.
"All this talk of metal this and metal that...they're a bunch of liars. You know what they do when they aren't touring? Karl(Logan) is a rave DJ, and Eric(Adams) spends his free time gardening. He sold one of his old bikes to import some rare Asian flower or something."
But as far as the low amplifier settings?
"They've got tiny little noise-blocking earbuds in during every show. Keeping it at 6.5 allows them to listen to their preferred brand of music, which is usually some smooth jazz. Although I think I saw Joey with the new Maroon 5 album."
While our source may have some critical words, the harshest reprimands are coming from the band's fans.
"What happened to 'all men play on ten, never gonna turn down again,' what happened to everything they stood for?!" said a fan that didn't wish to give us his first name, only going by Mr Ong. "These guys were supposed to be the definition of metal and glory, and instead it's Maroon 5 and pruning shears?! To hell with them, I'm converting to a Rhapsody fan(in reference to the puffy shirt he's wearing, it seems)."
This is only a fraction of what we heard, but most comments are unsuitable for publishing in a family publication such as this. We'll bring you more updates to the story as we get them.
But despite the band's silence, the video's contents have already had an effect. The owners of Leo's Loincloth Warehouse have announced that they will no longer sponsor Manowar's tour, and a similar statement is expected from the Wench Emporium. Our source within the band's organization tells us that this has been a long time coming.
"All this talk of metal this and metal that...they're a bunch of liars. You know what they do when they aren't touring? Karl(Logan) is a rave DJ, and Eric(Adams) spends his free time gardening. He sold one of his old bikes to import some rare Asian flower or something."
But as far as the low amplifier settings?
"They've got tiny little noise-blocking earbuds in during every show. Keeping it at 6.5 allows them to listen to their preferred brand of music, which is usually some smooth jazz. Although I think I saw Joey with the new Maroon 5 album."
While our source may have some critical words, the harshest reprimands are coming from the band's fans.
"What happened to 'all men play on ten, never gonna turn down again,' what happened to everything they stood for?!" said a fan that didn't wish to give us his first name, only going by Mr Ong. "These guys were supposed to be the definition of metal and glory, and instead it's Maroon 5 and pruning shears?! To hell with them, I'm converting to a Rhapsody fan(in reference to the puffy shirt he's wearing, it seems)."
This is only a fraction of what we heard, but most comments are unsuitable for publishing in a family publication such as this. We'll bring you more updates to the story as we get them.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Pats at Colts: 2nd half
Halftime thoughts:
-Joseph Addai has almost 200 all-purpose yards
-Peyton Manning hasn't been sacked, he's barely even been touched
-The Pats offensive line hasn't been looking as dominant as they had earlier in the season
-Laurence Maroney was having success on the ground, but his number hasn't been called very much. 48 yards on just 9 carries
-Did I mention that the key is stopping Addai?
-We need to throw some exotic blitzes at Peyton, break up his rhythm. Once he gets into a groove, the guy is dangerous as all hell.
-By no means has either team looked unstoppable, or terrible. It's been all about good series and bad series.
-And the 2nd half is underway
5:57 - Fuck it, shotgun, open up the passing game. Spread em wide.
5:58 - Decent punt though, pinned em inside the 15.
6:01 - Rodney makes a pick!
6:04 - HOW IS THAT NOT PASS INTERFERENCE ON KEVIN FAULK?!
6:07 - Getting slightly calmer now. Slightly. But the amount of bullshit calls and noncalls against the Pats is ridiculous.
6:08 - That was a good stop on Addai, the defense is getting pissed off. And twice in a row now, this time for a 9 yard loss.
6:11 - I'm just going to refrain from commenting on the penalties, only acknowledging their supposed existence.
6:13 - Absolutely sick one-hander by Randy Moss.
6:17 - Brady's got some speed, picks up the first, and for once, the penalty isn't against New England. Shocking.
6:21 - And this drive ends in a field goal after a 3d down stop by Bob Sanders, who could apparently cure cancer the way the announcers gush about him. Colts 13-10.
6:28 - That was close as fucking shit. Huuuge gain dropped by Reggie Wayne, and that brings up 4th down for the Colts. And a great punt return by Wes Welker.
6:32 - This drive is key, we need to score and take the lead back.
6:34 - Goddamn you Gary Brackett. Interception. Oh wait, and a penalty on the Pats. Of course, it's the standard right now.
6:37 - And there goes Dallas Clark, being fucking open.
6:39 - And now it's first and goal for the Colts.
6:41 - Manning on the keeper from 1 yard out, 20-10 Colts.
6:46 - And another very uncharacteristic Randy Moss drop. The team's gotta get a rhythm going, asap. And that pass was a good start.
6:47 and another fucking drop, Jesus. Moss was basically infallible te entire season, catching anything near him.
6:49 - That's the trifecta right there. Deep pass to Moss in the redzone. Colts penalty. Sanders hurt.
6:53 - Moss called for pass interference(I'm not getting into it, but you can guess what I think about it), but a pass to Welker gets em to 3rd and goal at the 3.
6:56 - And Wes Welker is baaaarely able to squeeze past the pylon into the endzone. Colts lead cut to 3, 20-17
7:00 - We need a 3 and out no-fuck. Rodney Harrison seems to be limping slightly. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
7:02 - Hold on the Colts, and it's now 2nd and 18. Under 6 minutes to go.
7:03 - 3rd and 10.
7:04 - False start, 3rd and 15.
7:05 - 4th down, Welker returns the punt a yard shy of midfield. 3:58 to go.
7:07 - Sick sick catch by Stallworth, and the Pats are already in field goal range, inside the 20.
7:08 - TD Kevin Faulk, and the Pats are gonna lead by four after the extra point, 24-20, with 3:15 left on the clock. My god this is a tense game.
7:10 - Colts have two timeouts left, 3:10 to go, the ball is at the 24. And it's up to the defense.
7:11 - Incomplete pass, 2nd and 10.
7:12 - First down for the Colts, Wayne pushed out of bounds shy of midfield, 1st and 10.
7:13 - Addai stopped after a gain of 1, 2nd and 9.
7:13 - Incomplete pass, 3rd and 9.
7:14 - Pressure on Peyton Manning, the ball falls right into Roosevelt Colvin's hand, Pats get it back, 5 yard penalty, 1st and 10, 2:25 to go at the 46
7:17 - Colts take their final timeout before the two minute warning strikes, it's gonna be 3rd down for the Pats, 3rd and 6.
7:19 - Two minute warning, Pats have the first down, and they can just kneel the ball away now.
7:22 - Clock runs out, game's over, New England Patriots advance to 9-0 and get a well-earned bye week. Goddamn that was a good game.
-Joseph Addai has almost 200 all-purpose yards
-Peyton Manning hasn't been sacked, he's barely even been touched
-The Pats offensive line hasn't been looking as dominant as they had earlier in the season
-Laurence Maroney was having success on the ground, but his number hasn't been called very much. 48 yards on just 9 carries
-Did I mention that the key is stopping Addai?
-We need to throw some exotic blitzes at Peyton, break up his rhythm. Once he gets into a groove, the guy is dangerous as all hell.
-By no means has either team looked unstoppable, or terrible. It's been all about good series and bad series.
-And the 2nd half is underway
5:57 - Fuck it, shotgun, open up the passing game. Spread em wide.
5:58 - Decent punt though, pinned em inside the 15.
6:01 - Rodney makes a pick!
6:04 - HOW IS THAT NOT PASS INTERFERENCE ON KEVIN FAULK?!
6:07 - Getting slightly calmer now. Slightly. But the amount of bullshit calls and noncalls against the Pats is ridiculous.
6:08 - That was a good stop on Addai, the defense is getting pissed off. And twice in a row now, this time for a 9 yard loss.
6:11 - I'm just going to refrain from commenting on the penalties, only acknowledging their supposed existence.
6:13 - Absolutely sick one-hander by Randy Moss.
6:17 - Brady's got some speed, picks up the first, and for once, the penalty isn't against New England. Shocking.
6:21 - And this drive ends in a field goal after a 3d down stop by Bob Sanders, who could apparently cure cancer the way the announcers gush about him. Colts 13-10.
6:28 - That was close as fucking shit. Huuuge gain dropped by Reggie Wayne, and that brings up 4th down for the Colts. And a great punt return by Wes Welker.
6:32 - This drive is key, we need to score and take the lead back.
6:34 - Goddamn you Gary Brackett. Interception. Oh wait, and a penalty on the Pats. Of course, it's the standard right now.
6:37 - And there goes Dallas Clark, being fucking open.
6:39 - And now it's first and goal for the Colts.
6:41 - Manning on the keeper from 1 yard out, 20-10 Colts.
6:46 - And another very uncharacteristic Randy Moss drop. The team's gotta get a rhythm going, asap. And that pass was a good start.
6:47 and another fucking drop, Jesus. Moss was basically infallible te entire season, catching anything near him.
6:49 - That's the trifecta right there. Deep pass to Moss in the redzone. Colts penalty. Sanders hurt.
6:53 - Moss called for pass interference(I'm not getting into it, but you can guess what I think about it), but a pass to Welker gets em to 3rd and goal at the 3.
6:56 - And Wes Welker is baaaarely able to squeeze past the pylon into the endzone. Colts lead cut to 3, 20-17
7:00 - We need a 3 and out no-fuck. Rodney Harrison seems to be limping slightly. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
7:02 - Hold on the Colts, and it's now 2nd and 18. Under 6 minutes to go.
7:03 - 3rd and 10.
7:04 - False start, 3rd and 15.
7:05 - 4th down, Welker returns the punt a yard shy of midfield. 3:58 to go.
7:07 - Sick sick catch by Stallworth, and the Pats are already in field goal range, inside the 20.
7:08 - TD Kevin Faulk, and the Pats are gonna lead by four after the extra point, 24-20, with 3:15 left on the clock. My god this is a tense game.
7:10 - Colts have two timeouts left, 3:10 to go, the ball is at the 24. And it's up to the defense.
7:11 - Incomplete pass, 2nd and 10.
7:12 - First down for the Colts, Wayne pushed out of bounds shy of midfield, 1st and 10.
7:13 - Addai stopped after a gain of 1, 2nd and 9.
7:13 - Incomplete pass, 3rd and 9.
7:14 - Pressure on Peyton Manning, the ball falls right into Roosevelt Colvin's hand, Pats get it back, 5 yard penalty, 1st and 10, 2:25 to go at the 46
7:17 - Colts take their final timeout before the two minute warning strikes, it's gonna be 3rd down for the Pats, 3rd and 6.
7:19 - Two minute warning, Pats have the first down, and they can just kneel the ball away now.
7:22 - Clock runs out, game's over, New England Patriots advance to 9-0 and get a well-earned bye week. Goddamn that was a good game.
Pats at Colts: 1st half
4:11 - The game hasn't started yet, the Vikes-Chargers game is on. And Adrian Peterson has been KILLING them. The guy's got 258 rushing yards, and this is with him splitting carries with Chester Taylor.
4:15 - I hate that kickoff times are nothing but lies. When the clock strikes 4:15, I don't wanna stare Phil Simms in the face. I wanna see some fuckin football. Let's do this. Marvin Harrison and Tony Ugoh are out for the Colts. Eugene Wilson is out for the Pats.
4:19 - And the Colts offense will take the field first. The guys to stop, Dallas Clark and Joseph Addai.
4:22 - Come on fourth down....Damnit.
4:23 - That's nice to see, Richard Seymour chasing down and keeping with Joseph Addai.
4:25 - My ass he got his feet down. But to this point, we haven't gotten an ounce of pressure on Peyton Manning. He's had all day, and his passes have been spot-on.
4:28 - Damnit. The big weakness is the run game, and Addai's just making it look easy. So unless there's a turnover, they're at least gonna get 3 points out of this drive. Fuckin ell.
4:31 - Fuckin Dallas Clark, that was too close for comfort. Come on defense, hold em to 3.
4:33 - I love when announcers just drive a point home over and over, like "Vinatieri's never, ever missed a kick inside the RCA Dome"...and then he misses.
4:36 - It's the pass rush I was worried about most from the Colts, and how the fuck does Nick Kaczur not even try to block? "Oh, let me step aside for you". And shit, nothing against Kevin Faulk, but why is he starting instead of Maroney?
4:37 - Ok, I'm going to blame Jim Nantz for repeatedly stating that the Pats have scored on every first drive for that 3 and out. Jim Nantz and Nick Kaczur. Fuckin hell.
4:42 - Announcers suck part 1: "He's got this wiggle and this hip hop move"
4:43 - Goddamnit Asante. You'd been playing so well. And then you go and commit fucking pass interference against the Colts of all teams, and give them first and goal.
4:44 - How do you have a play like that, with a possible turnover, and not show one single fucking replay?
4:45 - Ok, Asante kinda redeemed himself there. And look at that, the second the play was over, and Gonzalez dropped the ball, how many replays were there?
4:47 - Oh, thank you for the replay after the drive was over. It was definitely appreciated. 3-0 Colts.
4:52 - Randy Moss has entered the building.
4:54 - Very very happy to see Ben Watson in there, as well as Laurence Maroney getting big chunks of yards against this defense.
4:58 - Seriously, where's the offensive line I saw in the first 8 games? An extra second or two would do it, that's all. The Colts D-line isn't so good that you should just completely collapse and go into the fetal position.
5:01 - 3rd and goal, come on, come on...punch that shit in....Randy Moss. Man-crush. Confirmed. Patriots 7-3.
5:08 - 3 penalties for 47 yards...yea, that's not good.
5:10 - STOP JOSEPH ADDAI. CAN SOMEONE COVER HIM? He's already got over 100 all-purpose yards
5:12 - BULLSHIT. MY FUCKING ASS THAT WAS PASS INTERFERENCE.
5:15 - At least we kept em out of the endzone. It's back to the classic "bend but don't break" defense. Pats 7-6.
5:22 - A very rare Randy Moss drop.
5:26 - This game's been more of a defensive struggle than I expected it to be. But I expect the second half to feature more scoring as both teams try to build up a large enough cushion to seal the deal.
5:30 - 2 minute warning. Bill is going to ream them at halftime for all these penalties. 102 yards so far, in one half.
5:34 - And Tom Brady throws his first interception in forever, with a long bomb to Donte Stallworth.
5:39 - TACKLE TACKLE TACKLE. HONESTLY, WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT WAS THAT.
5:42 - First half over, Colts lead 13-7.
Bonus commentary on that touchdown:
BlkMetalDeviant: dgfr
BlkMetalDeviant: xeth
BlkMetalDeviant: erhjt
BlkMetalDeviant: crth
BlkMetalDeviant: BITCHES
GrimNecroWizard: WHAT
BlkMetalDeviant: YOU CALL THAT MOTHERFUCKING TACKLING
GrimNecroWizard: WHAT
GrimNecroWizard: FUCKING WHAT
GrimNecroWizard: OH SHIT
BlkMetalDeviant: WHAT THE JESUIS WAS THAT
GrimNecroWizard: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
BlkMetalDeviant: DID YOU ALL JUST STEP ASIDE
Aiden Macleod: XD
BlkMetalDeviant: WAS HE SOME OLD WOMAN
GrimNecroWizard: FUCKING OWWWWWWWWWWWNED
Aiden Macleod: This is amazing
BlkMetalDeviant: WERE YOU GIVING UP YOUR SEAT ON THE BUS
BlkMetalDeviant: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
crispy927: 13 seconds left int he fucking half
BlkMetalDeviant: YOU WANNA HAND HIM SOME WATER WHILE HE SPRINTS TO THE MARATHON FINISH
crispy927: lmao
Aiden Macleod: "Hey look, hes about to stop that receiver from making to the endzone by jumping at him! Quick, throw the flag! THROW IT!!"
crispy927: so who wants to start the betting on how high OD's Blood pressure is right now
Yea, you can guess which one is me.
4:15 - I hate that kickoff times are nothing but lies. When the clock strikes 4:15, I don't wanna stare Phil Simms in the face. I wanna see some fuckin football. Let's do this. Marvin Harrison and Tony Ugoh are out for the Colts. Eugene Wilson is out for the Pats.
4:19 - And the Colts offense will take the field first. The guys to stop, Dallas Clark and Joseph Addai.
4:22 - Come on fourth down....Damnit.
4:23 - That's nice to see, Richard Seymour chasing down and keeping with Joseph Addai.
4:25 - My ass he got his feet down. But to this point, we haven't gotten an ounce of pressure on Peyton Manning. He's had all day, and his passes have been spot-on.
4:28 - Damnit. The big weakness is the run game, and Addai's just making it look easy. So unless there's a turnover, they're at least gonna get 3 points out of this drive. Fuckin ell.
4:31 - Fuckin Dallas Clark, that was too close for comfort. Come on defense, hold em to 3.
4:33 - I love when announcers just drive a point home over and over, like "Vinatieri's never, ever missed a kick inside the RCA Dome"...and then he misses.
4:36 - It's the pass rush I was worried about most from the Colts, and how the fuck does Nick Kaczur not even try to block? "Oh, let me step aside for you". And shit, nothing against Kevin Faulk, but why is he starting instead of Maroney?
4:37 - Ok, I'm going to blame Jim Nantz for repeatedly stating that the Pats have scored on every first drive for that 3 and out. Jim Nantz and Nick Kaczur. Fuckin hell.
4:42 - Announcers suck part 1: "He's got this wiggle and this hip hop move"
4:43 - Goddamnit Asante. You'd been playing so well. And then you go and commit fucking pass interference against the Colts of all teams, and give them first and goal.
4:44 - How do you have a play like that, with a possible turnover, and not show one single fucking replay?
4:45 - Ok, Asante kinda redeemed himself there. And look at that, the second the play was over, and Gonzalez dropped the ball, how many replays were there?
4:47 - Oh, thank you for the replay after the drive was over. It was definitely appreciated. 3-0 Colts.
4:52 - Randy Moss has entered the building.
4:54 - Very very happy to see Ben Watson in there, as well as Laurence Maroney getting big chunks of yards against this defense.
4:58 - Seriously, where's the offensive line I saw in the first 8 games? An extra second or two would do it, that's all. The Colts D-line isn't so good that you should just completely collapse and go into the fetal position.
5:01 - 3rd and goal, come on, come on...punch that shit in....Randy Moss. Man-crush. Confirmed. Patriots 7-3.
5:08 - 3 penalties for 47 yards...yea, that's not good.
5:10 - STOP JOSEPH ADDAI. CAN SOMEONE COVER HIM? He's already got over 100 all-purpose yards
5:12 - BULLSHIT. MY FUCKING ASS THAT WAS PASS INTERFERENCE.
5:15 - At least we kept em out of the endzone. It's back to the classic "bend but don't break" defense. Pats 7-6.
5:22 - A very rare Randy Moss drop.
5:26 - This game's been more of a defensive struggle than I expected it to be. But I expect the second half to feature more scoring as both teams try to build up a large enough cushion to seal the deal.
5:30 - 2 minute warning. Bill is going to ream them at halftime for all these penalties. 102 yards so far, in one half.
5:34 - And Tom Brady throws his first interception in forever, with a long bomb to Donte Stallworth.
5:39 - TACKLE TACKLE TACKLE. HONESTLY, WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT WAS THAT.
5:42 - First half over, Colts lead 13-7.
Bonus commentary on that touchdown:
BlkMetalDeviant: dgfr
BlkMetalDeviant: xeth
BlkMetalDeviant: erhjt
BlkMetalDeviant: crth
BlkMetalDeviant: BITCHES
GrimNecroWizard: WHAT
BlkMetalDeviant: YOU CALL THAT MOTHERFUCKING TACKLING
GrimNecroWizard: WHAT
GrimNecroWizard: FUCKING WHAT
GrimNecroWizard: OH SHIT
BlkMetalDeviant: WHAT THE JESUIS WAS THAT
GrimNecroWizard: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
BlkMetalDeviant: DID YOU ALL JUST STEP ASIDE
Aiden Macleod: XD
BlkMetalDeviant: WAS HE SOME OLD WOMAN
GrimNecroWizard: FUCKING OWWWWWWWWWWWNED
Aiden Macleod: This is amazing
BlkMetalDeviant: WERE YOU GIVING UP YOUR SEAT ON THE BUS
BlkMetalDeviant: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
crispy927: 13 seconds left int he fucking half
BlkMetalDeviant: YOU WANNA HAND HIM SOME WATER WHILE HE SPRINTS TO THE MARATHON FINISH
crispy927: lmao
Aiden Macleod: "Hey look, hes about to stop that receiver from making to the endzone by jumping at him! Quick, throw the flag! THROW IT!!"
crispy927: so who wants to start the betting on how high OD's Blood pressure is right now
Yea, you can guess which one is me.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Every Guy's Got One
2. mancrush
The highest tier of a man's love for another man, without having any sexual want towards the man.
I have a mancrush on Ryan Dunn for being the man.
To many, the mancrush is a strange thing. Some don't understand exactly what it entails, whether it's attraction, respect, admiration, or something else. This NFL season, I've realized that my mancrush is one Randy Moss, newly acquired wide receiver for the New England Patriots. Basically, if Randy was royalty, I would gladly pledge my allegience to him. There isn't a shadow of a fucking doubt in my mind that he is simply the best receiver in football, period. There is no contest, there is no question. One look at his wikipedia page will show you the various records he holds. And yesterday, during a brutal faceraping of the Dolphins in which the Pats were leading 42-7 at halftime, he had caught two touchdown passes, including one with his fucking elbow. Every game, every week, I see Tom Brady throw a ball up, and Randy is double covered. And the ball comes down, and I curse, because it looks as if one or both defenders got a hand and either broke it up or intercepted it. But then Randy stands up, football in hand, making it look like the easiest fucking thing.
In the entire Belichick era, there has never been a team like this. It's always been defense first, and then Tom Brady just finds a way to get points on the board. During the Superbowl years of 03 and 04, the team went 14-2, but they were all hard fought games, many won on the final drives. But this is something completely different. There's never been a team under him that's been such an offensive juggernaut, and Tom Brady's sure as fuck never had a weapon like Randy Moss. 3rd and 18? No problem, just heave it towards the endzone. Oh look, Randy caught the ball over two defenders. With one hand. While sleeping. And he'll always have the presence to know how close he is to going out of bounds, and that he'll have to drag his feet. And it doesn't hurt to have Tom Brady throwing it, who somehow manages to put the ball right out of the defender's range, but exactly where Randy can pull it in. Whether it's from the side, the top, underneath, wherever. And I'm not trying to be one of those gloating New England fans, because I know how they are. I'm honestly just amazed at the way this season has progressed thus far. I'm not going to get ahead of myself and make bold predictions or statements. One week at a game, one game at a time. But what we've seen so far has been nothing short of magnificent.
Monday, October 15, 2007
The bane that is television
Tv is garbage. I mean, it has been for a long time, it's not news to anyone. The thing that strikes me as weird is that networks don't even try to disguise the crap they put out, they're flat out telling you "This is nothing new, it'll be canceled within two years", but people still lap it up without question.
Comedy
This is probably the genre that needs a reworking more than any other. Comedy has been stale for years and years, and that's because the networks don't actually know what's funny(Or maybe their plan is to appeal to those without a sense of humor...genius). Comedy has been recycled more times than anything. The formula for 95% of all comedies has been:
straight(not in orientation, but referring to a normal, run of the mill person) character + zany risk taker + hijinks + love story tacked on at the end.
Or typical male husband(beer, sports, farts) + wife that claims to be sick of his crap + way more fights than you'd usually see + guy's single friend that tells him not to sell out to the woman + a nice resolution at the end along with a PSA-level message.
And this is how it's been. They make different shows, swap out the lead roles, but it's all the same. Mad About You, Dharma and Greg, Home Improvement, Everybody Loves Raymond, Still Standing, King of Queens, According to Jim, etc. And I haven't even watched half of those. But if you get a show with a different take, such at Titus, it's basically given a cyanide pill to take from the get-go, because a time will come when it's inexplicably yanked off the air. Titus gave a big fuck you to the traditional storylines opting for much much darker and riskier humor(sexual abuse, drugs, alcoholism, adultery, schizophrenia, etc). And despite having high ratings for a show with such subject matter, it was canceled(one of many good shows tossed to the side by Fox)
But hell, the setups are not the main reason to dislike this. The reason people stick with these formulas is because it is possible to make them funny. Unfortunately, the vast majority of those shows have fucking horrible, horrible writing and predictable punchlines. They'll get into the same scenarios, and then have the same ending. And then there's the laugh track. I personally don't care for the laugh track, and I think having one is foolish, because it basically says to the viewer "I know you're an idiot, so I'm gonna put this here so you know when to laugh, and which line to quote at work for the rest of the week." Well-written shows don't need laugh tracks, the jokes will be strong enough to carry themselves. The only shows with laugh tracks that I thought were geuinely incredibly funny overall, not because of one or two lines, were Seinfeld and Titus. Nothing else ever got to me, they were filled with the cheesiest lines and the most unoriginal plots I'd ever seen. And unfortunately this is most of what's on tv now.
Suggested Viewing: Arrested Development, The Office, Titus, Scrubs, Seinfeld, South Park(not a comedy per se, but one of the funniest shows on tv, as well as probably the best-written)
Drama
Another one that's been driven so far into the ground it could be considered an invasion of China. Dramas are completely built on copycats, and people still watch, and even worse, they're among the most-watched shows on tv.
Law Shows:
Boston Legal
The Practice
Law & Order
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Law & Order: Criminal Intent
Law & Order: Crime & Punishment
Law & Order: Trial by Jury
Crossing Jordan
The Lion's Den
Shark
Now, I know that there are alot of laws in this country just waiting to be broken. But I don't think I could find anyone that could look me in the eye and tell me that they believe all of those shows do enough to separate from each other and are all worthy of existence. Law & Order especially, which is the most blatant offender. "What, we have a hit show? Well let's just make another one with a different cast."
And then you have the WB dramas. Not all found on the WB, but they might as well be. Shit like 7th Heaven or One Tree Hill, either about families just living day to day, or certain people growing up and learning lessons about life, blah blah. It started with Dawson's Creek, and that show gave us Katie Holmes. Now, while I wouldn't have hesitated to bone her, her existence and exposure will be our undoing. Because of that show, she became famous, caught the eye of Tom Cruise, and has now helped him extend his psychotic thetan-sucking bloodline. So you see people, if you watch crappy dramas, you're supporting Scientology.
And while I could have put it up above, I reserve a special level of hell for CSI and it's two spinoffs, following in the cashcow path blazed by Law and Order. CSI has somehow become the most watched show on television, and while I've never watched an episode, I'm pretty sure I could guess how it turns out.
Dead body found + two suspects initially that keep pointing to the other + not enough evidence found to arrest anyone + dramatic confrontation demanding a confession + oops, we found a fingerprint, I totally didn't see that right in front of me before + the killer is arrested and put away, happy ending
Except in the spinoffs the ending would usually take place on a Miami beach or in a New York alley. I gotta tell you, I can't get sick of watching the same thing happen week in and week out on three different shows. And hey, wouldn't it be funny if during the season the team from one show had to join forces with the team from another show? It'd be so cool, like watching two shows at once!"
You want unique shows? 24, A unique concept that had its first weak season in the 6th year. Lost, a drama unlike any other with more layers than a foot-tall club sandwich. Dexter, a unique take on the crime scene genre, where Dexter Morgan, a blood splatter analyst, also happens to be a serial killer, and must balance his two sides while trying to...no, not gonna give anything away(Based on the books by Jeff Lindsay, worth a read). The Shield, easily the best cop show on television, past and present company included.
Heroes is apparently very good as well, but I haven't had a chance to watch it yet. It's on my agenda.
Reality Shows
The bane of my television viewing existence. I'm not going to rant about why reality shows suck, everyone already knows that they suck. My issue with them is that every single channel is abandoning their established lineups and shows to jump on the reality cashcow. Titus, which I spoke of earlier? Was canceled and replaced by Skating with Celebrities. MTV, as terrible as they've been lately, actually used to live up to the M in their name many many years ago. Nowadays, seeing a video on MTV is rarer than the President correctly pronouncing a word with5 4 3 2.5 syllables. ESPN's gotten into it, Spike got into it, of course the major networks. Of course the one that stings the most is The Discovery Channel. As I lamented a few months ago, I was watching Shark Week not only because sharks are fucking awesome, but because it was the only time that we wouldn't be inundated with crappy reality shows from a once amazing and educational channel. Proof of what they are now? I went into the guide and this is their schedule for the rest of the day:
How It's Made
Unsolved History
A Haunting
Dirty Jobs
Mythbusters
Cash Cab
Cash Cab
How It's Made
How It's Made
Mythbusters
Mythbusters
Mythbusters
Last One Standing
Mythbusters
Mythbusters
The first thing I found in the listing for a nature/animal show wasn't until 10pm tomorrow night, Giant Squid: Caught on Camera. Oh, and it was sandwiched in between 5 episodes of Dirty Jobs. As to why reality shows appeal, I don't know to be honest. Wow, 7 people living together in a house, I wonder how they're gonna react to each other! Wait, I live in a house with 7 people! I don't need to watch that clearly fake and edited show, I've got this crazy thing called real life!
The Idiot Box, indeed.
Comedy
This is probably the genre that needs a reworking more than any other. Comedy has been stale for years and years, and that's because the networks don't actually know what's funny(Or maybe their plan is to appeal to those without a sense of humor...genius). Comedy has been recycled more times than anything. The formula for 95% of all comedies has been:
straight(not in orientation, but referring to a normal, run of the mill person) character + zany risk taker + hijinks + love story tacked on at the end.
Or typical male husband(beer, sports, farts) + wife that claims to be sick of his crap + way more fights than you'd usually see + guy's single friend that tells him not to sell out to the woman + a nice resolution at the end along with a PSA-level message.
And this is how it's been. They make different shows, swap out the lead roles, but it's all the same. Mad About You, Dharma and Greg, Home Improvement, Everybody Loves Raymond, Still Standing, King of Queens, According to Jim, etc. And I haven't even watched half of those. But if you get a show with a different take, such at Titus, it's basically given a cyanide pill to take from the get-go, because a time will come when it's inexplicably yanked off the air. Titus gave a big fuck you to the traditional storylines opting for much much darker and riskier humor(sexual abuse, drugs, alcoholism, adultery, schizophrenia, etc). And despite having high ratings for a show with such subject matter, it was canceled(one of many good shows tossed to the side by Fox)
But hell, the setups are not the main reason to dislike this. The reason people stick with these formulas is because it is possible to make them funny. Unfortunately, the vast majority of those shows have fucking horrible, horrible writing and predictable punchlines. They'll get into the same scenarios, and then have the same ending. And then there's the laugh track. I personally don't care for the laugh track, and I think having one is foolish, because it basically says to the viewer "I know you're an idiot, so I'm gonna put this here so you know when to laugh, and which line to quote at work for the rest of the week." Well-written shows don't need laugh tracks, the jokes will be strong enough to carry themselves. The only shows with laugh tracks that I thought were geuinely incredibly funny overall, not because of one or two lines, were Seinfeld and Titus. Nothing else ever got to me, they were filled with the cheesiest lines and the most unoriginal plots I'd ever seen. And unfortunately this is most of what's on tv now.
Suggested Viewing: Arrested Development, The Office, Titus, Scrubs, Seinfeld, South Park(not a comedy per se, but one of the funniest shows on tv, as well as probably the best-written)
Drama
Another one that's been driven so far into the ground it could be considered an invasion of China. Dramas are completely built on copycats, and people still watch, and even worse, they're among the most-watched shows on tv.
Law Shows:
Boston Legal
The Practice
Law & Order
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Law & Order: Criminal Intent
Law & Order: Crime & Punishment
Law & Order: Trial by Jury
Crossing Jordan
The Lion's Den
Shark
Now, I know that there are alot of laws in this country just waiting to be broken. But I don't think I could find anyone that could look me in the eye and tell me that they believe all of those shows do enough to separate from each other and are all worthy of existence. Law & Order especially, which is the most blatant offender. "What, we have a hit show? Well let's just make another one with a different cast."
And then you have the WB dramas. Not all found on the WB, but they might as well be. Shit like 7th Heaven or One Tree Hill, either about families just living day to day, or certain people growing up and learning lessons about life, blah blah. It started with Dawson's Creek, and that show gave us Katie Holmes. Now, while I wouldn't have hesitated to bone her, her existence and exposure will be our undoing. Because of that show, she became famous, caught the eye of Tom Cruise, and has now helped him extend his psychotic thetan-sucking bloodline. So you see people, if you watch crappy dramas, you're supporting Scientology.
And while I could have put it up above, I reserve a special level of hell for CSI and it's two spinoffs, following in the cashcow path blazed by Law and Order. CSI has somehow become the most watched show on television, and while I've never watched an episode, I'm pretty sure I could guess how it turns out.
Dead body found + two suspects initially that keep pointing to the other + not enough evidence found to arrest anyone + dramatic confrontation demanding a confession + oops, we found a fingerprint, I totally didn't see that right in front of me before + the killer is arrested and put away, happy ending
Except in the spinoffs the ending would usually take place on a Miami beach or in a New York alley. I gotta tell you, I can't get sick of watching the same thing happen week in and week out on three different shows. And hey, wouldn't it be funny if during the season the team from one show had to join forces with the team from another show? It'd be so cool, like watching two shows at once!"
You want unique shows? 24, A unique concept that had its first weak season in the 6th year. Lost, a drama unlike any other with more layers than a foot-tall club sandwich. Dexter, a unique take on the crime scene genre, where Dexter Morgan, a blood splatter analyst, also happens to be a serial killer, and must balance his two sides while trying to...no, not gonna give anything away(Based on the books by Jeff Lindsay, worth a read). The Shield, easily the best cop show on television, past and present company included.
Heroes is apparently very good as well, but I haven't had a chance to watch it yet. It's on my agenda.
Reality Shows
The bane of my television viewing existence. I'm not going to rant about why reality shows suck, everyone already knows that they suck. My issue with them is that every single channel is abandoning their established lineups and shows to jump on the reality cashcow. Titus, which I spoke of earlier? Was canceled and replaced by Skating with Celebrities. MTV, as terrible as they've been lately, actually used to live up to the M in their name many many years ago. Nowadays, seeing a video on MTV is rarer than the President correctly pronouncing a word with
How It's Made
Unsolved History
A Haunting
Dirty Jobs
Mythbusters
Cash Cab
Cash Cab
How It's Made
How It's Made
Mythbusters
Mythbusters
Mythbusters
Last One Standing
Mythbusters
Mythbusters
The first thing I found in the listing for a nature/animal show wasn't until 10pm tomorrow night, Giant Squid: Caught on Camera. Oh, and it was sandwiched in between 5 episodes of Dirty Jobs. As to why reality shows appeal, I don't know to be honest. Wow, 7 people living together in a house, I wonder how they're gonna react to each other! Wait, I live in a house with 7 people! I don't need to watch that clearly fake and edited show, I've got this crazy thing called real life!
The Idiot Box, indeed.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Thoughts on last night's game, and on the Cowboys
This game. This fucking game hurt to watch. I've made no secret of my complete and utter disdain for the Dallas Cowboys. From the Tony Romo/John Madden/Peter King circle jerk, to TO's retarded antics, there is nothing about this team that's worth a damn. The Cowboys are who we thought they were! Now if you wanna crown em, then go ahead and crown their asses! They haven't played a single fucking quality opponent, and just because they appeared to be the best team in the NFC, people think that puts them up there with the elite teams. No jackass, the NFC is like Pop Warner compared to the AFC. I guarantee Pittsburgh or San Diego could easily beat them. There is no way on Earth your team can be considered a contender when your top receiver(who some would attempt to argue is one of the best in the league) drops that many fucking balls in one game. And then not even any passes, but crucial, cruical ones. Had the Cowboys lost tonight, next to Tony Romo, TO would easily be in second for the largerst share of the blame. For those that didn't watch tonight, this was the gist of it. Buffalo was leading the entire game. The entire, fucking game. They scored on interceptions returns, they scored on a kickoff return. They intercepted Romo 5 times, and forced another fumble. But Dick Jauron kept too tight a leash on Trent Edwards. Except for one pick, he put in a solid effort statistically, going 23/31. But he only threw for 176 yards. That's 7.7 yards per pass completion. If you're not gonna let your QB attempt to make some plays and try to win this game, then it's not gonna happen. The reason the Bills din't put up any offensive touchdowns was because they either ran it with Marshawn Lynch, threw screens, or tossed short passes for small gains. Despite throwing 5 fucking interceptions, Wade Phillips was still letting Romo throw the ball downfield. And in the end, that was what got them into field goal range to kick the game winner. Buffalo had this game. They had it wrapped up, and they gave it away, and it was disgusting. And instead of looking at this as proof that Dallas isn't the juggernaut that everyone thought, the media is only going to mark this as another chapter in the lore of Tony Romo. "This team is so good, they can throw five picks, then come back and win it!". No. Good teams don't throw five picks and then come back, good teams minimize mistakes and take leads. Good teams don't have their star receiver drop a two point conversion, and then a crucial pass trying to get into field goal range. Good teams won't keep the opposition from scoring any offensive touchdowns, but still find themselves losing with seconds to go.
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